


Nobody's perfect...we are what we are

by Strange_Music



Category: Roswell (TV)
Genre: Angst, Episode: s02e04 Summer of '47, M/M, Mystery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-21
Updated: 2015-08-08
Packaged: 2018-04-05 11:17:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4177770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Strange_Music/pseuds/Strange_Music
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Why in the wake of the Episode "Summer of 47" Michael wasn't the only one whose faith in humans was restored. And why some questions take a bit longer to be answered.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Nobody's perfect

**Author's Note:**

> This story has been posted to FanFiction.net. I am just gradually moving all my story there to the Webside here.

Pairing: Richard/Hal  
Summary: Why in the wake of the Episode "Summer of 47" Michael wasn't the only one whose faith in humans was restored. And why some questions take a bit longer to be answered.  
Disclaimer: None of the characters that appear in this story belong to me. Yet I guess as neither Panty Brigade nor Peanuts M&M and also no Zagnuts are Canon (you knew that already).  
Warnings: Won't make much sense when you haven't seen "Summer of 47" But if you want to try...Richie is Max and Hal is Michael. And it happened back in the year 1947 when the podpeople came down in a crash ;)  
Greetings to all the wonderful people that I met at The Roswell and LOTR Forum. ~wave~. Because as it is said that you need to smile at least once a day. It is an easy task by simply stopping by!  
And of course many many dear and gratful thanks to Pixidude Who was so kind to Betaread this Story!

Nobody's perfect  
All of the time  
Nobody's perfect  
We are what we are  
You know there's no perfect reason  
There's no perfect rhyme  
Most of the time that's what we looking for.

"Nobody's perfect" by Mike and the Mechanics

*~*~*~*

How can a person be a dream and a nightmare at the same time?

Well for me he was both, had been for a long long time.

I could see him standing with that young boy, right over at the bench in front of the house. They had been talking for the last few hours.

From what I caught on words I could assume what they where talking about.

Especially when he took 'it' out of his pocket and put it into the younger one's hand.

I don't know why he was doing something so dangerous.

Who knows who the hell the kid would tell about it?

But then again I stopped caring about the whole crash too many years ago.

And I know that he was starting to.

Friends I had in high places had helped me find out about him. That he didn't have enough time left to spin the luxury of being secretive. That the cancer was eating away a bit more of his time with each day.

And besides who should believe a kid who didn't look older than 18...if not younger.

I shouldn't care what he did.

But the problem was that I still did.

I cared about him.

More than he ever knew.

*~*~*~*

It seemed like everything in my life had started and ended that day in July 1947.

As if I led two lives.

One full of promotion and congratulating hands that meant nothing to me. That I didn't need. Because the hand that I wanted to reach out to me was no longer among them.

The one that I wanted had closed to a fist and turned away.

And another life before that fatal day and the ones that followed,

Where I had still been hoping.

Where I had still been seeing a chance that someday he might...

But he never did.

Even worse.

He had turned away.

How do they say it?

'We get born naked wet and crying...and then life gets worse.'

We had been never been the closest friends. Not as others in the company where. But being in a war together had made us companions. Brothers in arms.

And that sometimes was a bond even tighter than friends.

Till the night we spent on the beach drinking ourselves oblivious because a comrade of ours had not made it home.

And as the late night and early morning hour passed by, we found ourselves talking more than we ever had before. And I found myself faced with a Hal that I so far hadn't seen.

It was the best night of my life.

It was the worst night of my life.

It was the night I fell in love with him.

The night that I looked into his eyes when he smiled and wished that he would smile at me like that for other reason than the joke that I told him.

The night that I realized that the dreams of a family and a house with a white picket fence were nice dreams. But not the ones that I had been hoping for. At least not anymore.

But even worse was the daytime.

When I woke up knowing I had changed.

And realized that he hadn't.

*~*~*~*

I had felt his anger at me the week after they made him and me fly a desk.

I guess he didn't understand it.

All he saw was that I was pretty happy in a job that he simply hated.

I mean he thought the reason why I was set on this desk alongside him was because I had been the one to help him get the plane.

He didn't know that it wasn't so.

He didn't know that it actually had been me who had requested this transfer.

I wasn't like him in that. When I started to become a pilot it was because it was something that I was good at. Not like Hal,who simply loved everything that was being a pilot.

He thought I was like that.

And that was why he didn't understand why I could smile and be as happy riding a desk as riding a plane.

After all as long as he was there as well I had everything I needed.

*~*~*~*

He didn't have a good day when the call came.

Even when in Hal's case the days here were more often than not severely lacking.

I had warned him that we would be late. But all I had gotten was a dark gaze and a mumbled reply that I guess I wouldn't even had understood if I had actually been standing beside him and not several feet away.

And for what?

A package of Zagnuts and a piece of paper with what I guess would be the fourth wrong number this month. He was a charmer for sure. But he did have a certain reputation going ahead of him.

Now he had his address.

His candy bar.

But *we* had the trouble.

If I didn't care about him as much as I do, I guess by now I would feel the urge to strangle him.

Especially for that smug grin that he threw at our Commanding Officer.

Did he have to pour salt into the wound?

But then again, that was Hal.

It was not the reason why I loved him, but at least none that made me fall out of love with him. Just part of the package.

The package that was Hal.

He was an Airmail package

Caution!

Dangerous Materials!

This side up, This side down.

But also handle with care!

Because deep down, deep down under all that carefree exterior there was another Hal lurking. A Hal that I had so far only seen few times.

The last time was when they had been shot down over France. Hal and the plane miraculously had been without any injuries and scratches. By a landing maneuver that he could righteously feel pride in. On the other hand, even when it could have been worse, the rest of the crew was worse for the wear. John Ellsin had been killed, Tony had a compound fracture of the leg, and I myself had a piece of the cockpit sticking out from my arm.

We hadn't known if we would be rescued. And if, if it would be in time before the enemy found us. All the time we were torn between the decision of going for help or staying behind protecting the others.

Help came before any decision had been made. But before it had lain a long night of doubts. A long night that I spent watching Hal. Wondering about the different person that I was seeing. The person so different from the one that he pretended to be.

In that night, like only few times before, I had seen again what I was sure to be the real Hal. The one that wasn't trying to live up to his father's reputation.

Always afraid of failing me and the others who looked at him.

Me...I never had that problem. There was no one who looked at me. No one who expected me to fail.

But also no one who looked at my winning either.

Actually Hal had been the only one in whose eyes I felt something like approval. The first day we flew together.

I had just done what they told me to do. Not expecting anything.

But he had looked at me, and with a small smile shown me that I had done something right. And when he stood up to his Commanding Officer I felt something I never felt before.

Pride.

He had stood up because it was me that he wanted as a CoPilot.

Me...Richard Doty. Tied-up...Rule-following Richard Doty.

The smile I gave him that day was the first real one in years.

*~*~*~*

But right now he was his old self.

With his devil may care...devil may dare attitude, reflected in his smiles as he pointed at me. I mean, what was I supposed to say?

"Sorry Colonel, he is lying. Actually I hate Zagnuts?"

Now that would go over well with both of them.

So I did what I always did in a situation like this. I rolled my eyes and let it go by.

Looking back at things, maybe they would have been different if I had said something.

Anything to prevent him from saying his next words to us. His order to us.

Because they were the beginning of everything changing.

Everything.

*~*~*~*

I have to admit that I didn't really listen to him while we were driving back the truck.

One reason was that he didn't say anything new, and the other was that I was too worried about our freight.

The strange metal that he had found, the wreck itself, the fact that we were carrying a load that we knew nothing about.

It all sent shivers down my spine.

The only good thing that had come out of this so far was that at least we had been able to leave Cavitt behind.

I wondered what had brought him here. Normally vultures like him only came when there was something to get.

"You think that reporter's onto something?"

He just shrugged "She needs an exclusive, plain and simple. Why? Do you think she's onto something?" Yet it seemed like he was as serious about this as I.

Something that happened not often.

"I didn't until an intelligence officer ordered us to keep our mouths shut."

Like I said...it was impossible that he made the way out there without a very good reason. Unlike us who were in disgrace, he was the one who was adored by his commanding officer.

What a set of good connections can bring.

"Forget Cavitt. After Sunday dinner, he probably debriefs his own mother. I love this country. " At last something that made me smile. Even when I guess it was more true that we wanted to know.

Yet it still left the question open on why he had been there at all.

But if the reporter had been right...it would certainly be reason enough for him to come out here.

"What if something's really out there...capable of destroying us? Destroying everything? " Would I really feel safe knowing people like Cavitt were taking care of it?

"Don't worry, Richie. You're still gonna get your wife and your white picket fence and your backyard barbecue... "

Well, looks like dear Hal didn't really want to think about this either. I didn't mind. Actually the sooner we got this load to the hangar and us away from it, the better I would feel.

But did he really have to go back to the picket fence? Well, as long as it made him happy.

I let him talk while my thoughts went back to the crashsite.

The way people had behaved.

The orders "Do not stop for anyone."

And definitely not the silver that Hal had found. I had only a short look at it. But what I saw had been enough.

How it had changed back after being crumbled, back to the smoothness it had before.

It wasn't something I had seen before.

Nothing that I knew existed...in the USA...not on...

I was literally shaken out of my thoughts as the truck slowed down.

"Why are you slowing down?"

" What the... "

That was all he said before a white light blinded us. I only saw it for a quick moment. But enough to see that it had human form.

And then we hit it.

"Oh, my God. "

I hoped it hadn't been a child. It had been the size of a child. But I rationalized with the glow that it couldn't have been a child at all.

"Check under the truck! "

He called to me, while he ran back to check down further behind us.

So while Hal was back looking for whatever had stood in the trail of our truck,I took the time to check if our load was still okay.

[I joined the two sentence fragments to make one complete sentence.]

Rules be dammed.

I knew they had told us not to look. But I wasn't driving any further with something that might turn out to be dangerous or even explosive.

As I pulled away from the planes I stared at the sight that greeted me.

This was definitely something I hadn't seen before.

I mean, this was no high-tech gimmick. Nothing at all that a clever technician might have done.

Their pots were harboring what looked like small human embryos.

No bigger than my hand, but definitely there.

And the even more frightening thing was...that they were moving.

Were alive!

I heard Hal coming back again.

And in the split of a second made a decision. Me...who had never done more than breathing without consulting the rulebook first. Who lived the book.

Never made a decision without before going through the rules.

I made a decision in the split of a second.

I couldn't let him see this.

Never.

Whatever it was that was in there.

Whatever way it was connected with the crash. I knew it was dangerous.

That I had seen it would bring me trouble. Big trouble. The least I could do was keep Hal out of this. Bad enough that I couldn't keep myself out of it. Not with the broken seal that was hanging there. They would know that one of us had seen.

He came only as close as looking briefly over my shoulder. But I don't think he had seen anything before I closed the planes and ushered him forward.

The minute I had seen the seal it had already been too late.

All I now could hope that they believed me that I had been the only one who had seen it.

I was very quiet for the rest of the way.

But then again so was Hal.

*~*~*~*

They were all over us as soon as they saw the broken seal.

Only letting go of Hal when I told them in quiet that he hadn't seen anything.

I asked him to go forward. That I had some things to do.

Paperwork.

And like always it worked like a charm. He was gone faster than the figurative speeding bullet.

Me...I had the bureaucrats to deal with. All the while trying to tell them that I had not seen anything. Only looked to see if the freight was alright. But even more that Hal hadn't seen anything.

In the end they believed me.

About Hal.

But for me, my run with the devil had begun.

They let me go to meet Hal only because if not he would be suspicious.

They let me go only because they knew that I would return.

Needed to return.

Had no other choice.

*~*~*~*

When I came to the bar, Hal was already sitting and spitting nails. Not about me. Just 'bout the fact that he hated paperwork with a vengeance. And the fact that it had taken me 3 hours to come here hadn't helped.

"They were glowing, right?!"

Darn, he had seen something. But, from his lack of anger, not everything that I tried to keep from him.

He didn't know enough to be of danger to them.

Not if I kept myself in their faces.

"We should have asked what they were."

No...we didn't. You wouldn't wanna have known. And given a choice neither would I. But I guess my choice had been taken away.

"Before or after Cassidy bawled us out for being 15 minutes late?"

I tried not to sound as tired as I felt.

But I did. Because I felt tired when I thought about the following days. Knowing that Hal was safe, I did the only thing I could do.

I went to bed.

Tomorrow would be a tough day.

And so would the days that followed.

Actually I didn't think any day soon would be easy again.

Ever again.

*~*~*~*

Only the next day came earlier than I thought.

It was 0400 hours when my door broke open by the sound of someone crashing it open.

I hadn't expected them so early.

But the fact that I expected them at all kept me calm when they shouted at me to dress and get out of the room.

Again long hours of question asked.

What had I seen? What did I think it was? Did I think that Hal had seen it too?

I answered them all so many times that I might have been able to repeat the answers in my sleep.

But then came the question I hadn't been prepared for.

"Are you willing to work for us."

"Not if I have a choice."

"You don't."

And I didn't.

I closed my eyes when I signed the papers they held under my nose.

Knowing I was getting deeper and deeper with no stopping.

No turning back.

*~*~*~*

The next time I saw Hal was in front of Hangar 20.

He just looked at my security clearance and I saw the anger in his eyes. Heard it in his voice.

"Which you seem to have." he growled as he pointed at it.

I couldn't even tell him how lucky he was that he didn't. How much I wanted to be on his side of things. In blissful ignorance of what was really going on.

"The assignment landed in my lap, ok? "

"Please don't ask anymore. I can't answer you"

"Then let me take a look."

"There's nothing to see."

"Richie, every person on this base, every radio station and newspaper says this whole thing is because of a downed weather balloon. You and I both know better. Now, I've seen the classified reports. And they prove..."

"You have to leave." Before someone heard him say those things. Before they thought that he knew more than I told them.

His face formed a sneer as he looked at me "What are you more afraid of? What you know or what they're keeping from you? "

I had long ago stopped being afraid for myself. I was in too deep for this. I was on a one-way street to what might very well be my destruction. Was I afraid they knew what I knew? Yes. But not about the alien. What I was afraid of were the things that I had seen that were human, or at least human in biology. I seriously had my doubts when it came to their action. Was I afraid of what they kept from me? Hell no. What I knew was scary enough. I didn't really need to know the rest. Not if I ever wanted to sleep again in my life without nightmares.

But I couldn't tell him any of that.

"I can't go down that road with you, Hal. I'm sorry. Just let me do my job."

When he still didn't move I had to resort to my last chance. As I turned around and looked at the guard at my side, somehow the thought that I now had this power at my hand didn't do anything but leave a bitter taste in my mouth.

"Captain Carver's done here."

I saw the anger and the betrayal once again in Hal's eyes. Actually I saw them still long after he had gone.

Mostly when I closed my eyes.

*~*~*~*

They came again at night. 3:50 a.m.

There were no words. Just rough hands pulling me out of my bed and handing me my uniform.

I prepared myself for another round of questioning. Sure that they were trying to wear me out. So that I would make a mistake.

The doctors that greeted me however told me other. And so did the vial that without much tenderness and care was rammed into my arm. I had only time to wince. Then drowsiness took over any thoughts.

Part 2...


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: at the End Nobody's Perfect  
Part 2

It might be a kind of sleep that they induced me to. But when I woke up afterward, my mouth feeling like dry desert sand, I knew it wasn't a restful one.

I hoped that the dryness had been because of the medication they had given me. But I had the knowing fear that I had done quite a bit of talking while I had been under.

I felt fatigued.

And worse, when I looked at them and knew from their eyes that they had found out.

Everything.

"Captain Doty. I guess now is the time that we talk again about a few things"

*~*~*~*

It was 5 hours later that I found myself in that bar. Waiting for Hal to appear.

I felt tired, but not because of the lack of sleep or of the drugs that I still felt dragging me down.

I felt tired because of what I was here to do.

Waiting for Hal.

Betraying him, by protecting him.

Yet it was still betrayal. At least I know that it would be to him if he ever found out.

They believed me that he hadn't seen enough to be a threat.

But the bad thing was that he was turning out to be one in the mean time ever since.

Gaining information. Asking people that he shouldn't be talking with.

I was nursing my sixth glass of whiskey when he finally came in. The familiar brief smile almost painful to see. And even more painful the swiftness with which it disappeared.

"Tough day following orders? "

The first line and he already hit home.

"I'm a coward, Hal. Don't rub it in."

He sat down beside me and looked at me "You're drunk."

Talk about stating the obvious.

But I wasn't just drunk. Actually I wasn't nearly as drunk as I wanted to be. I was still too clear in my head. Still too clear about what was going on around me. But I had to let Hal believe what he thought he saw.

"And don't expect any more than that from me."

He looked at me in concern. And again I saw the friend come out.

As if it wasn't tough enough already betraying him knowing that he hated me.

Now I had to betray him while knowing that he trusted me.

But I had to.

I had to protect him.

"You were right. I saw stuff. I heard...what their plans were. I...I was a good soldier. I went along with it. I'm not...I'm not proud of myself. Makes you wonder if I'm on the right side. Are we on the right side, Hal? "

The words that I told him where easy. After all they were very much close to what I truly felt. I wasn't proud of myself. Only I knew that I most certainly wasn't on the right side.

I saw the friendship again and for the moment I wished nothing more than to be as drunk as I pretended to be. Because I wouldn't have to see it.

"It's gonna be ok. I've got friends. We've got people who want to know the truth just as much as we do. And by tomorrow the world will be one step closer to it. "

"By tomorrow?"

It was a question they expected me to ask. But I had actually only asked it out of self curiosity.

Hal had a plan. He always had a plan. And in a way that was almost comforting, that things like that didn't change. But only almost. Because I knew that this was what brought him deeper and deeper into the danger that I tried to protect him from.

"Check the morning paper. It'll all be there. Now you want a ride home? "

He waited for a reply of mine. But when he got none he just left.

"All right, then."

And with that he left the bar.

I just waited for what I knew would follow. Not disappointed by the slimy voice that soon followed.

"Well done, Captain."

I glared daggers at him. Well done. As if I had done it for them. As if I had done it to help them. My urge to get drunk to forget all this only increased.

As did the urge to wash away the dirtiness when Cavitt came over and touched my arm.

"Don't touch me."

Enough what he had done last night during the questioning. He knew my secret now. And also knew that I would do anything to protect it.

Only that there were lines. And this was one of them.

I downed my whiskey and ordered another.

Now I had only one more mission for today.

Drinking till I forgot.

Everything and everyone.

*~*~*~*

Today they had actually let me sleep.

It wasn't much comfort knowing that it was because they knew everything now.

And when I came to the office I again looked into the greasy smile of Cavitt. Feeling the urge to either throw up or once again get drunk.

"You are not feeling well I see?"

I snorted and didn't reply.

His voice swung with smugness when he looked at me.

"We might have the same rank. But you know that I am still above you. So you might try that again."

He repeated it slowly with a smile that made me want to throw up.

"You are not feeling well?"

"No Sir." The sir was definitely pressed through my teeth. And seeing his smile brighten didn't help much.

"What do you want from me...Sir?"

"It's about your friend. Captain Carver."

What did they still want from him?

"The paper didn't appear. So the problem is solved."

He shook his head. "No it isn't. As long as Captain Carver is still around he is a liability, a problem. The paper might be prevented but he is still asking questions. Still sticking his nose into things that he doesn't need to know. I am afraid that he won't stop till we stop him."

The smile that he had on the last words showed me exactly what he had in mind for stopping Hal.

"I won't let you." It was the first thing in my mind. And even before he laughed I knew how senseless these words were. If they did only want to kill him I wouldn't have a chance. If they just wanted to kill him they wouldn't have told me about it and just done it.

There was something else. Something that they needed me for.

"Of course we can also just offer him his resignation. Without his uniform and means of search he will be just another nut spouting ideas about little green men."

"What does it have to do with me?"

"We...or better the people above me want you to work for us. We need people like you. "

Sure, people who have nowhere else to go.

"We have an offer for you. For letting Carver live, you stay with us. One life for another. So that your friend will see another day.

He might not be army anymore. But he will still be alive."

I closed my eyes in pain and nodded. Not trusting my voice enough to speak.

I had never seen what you call a devilish smile as much as this was. As the one that was now on Captain Cavitt's face as he handed me the map.

"And don't you think you are lucky! I choose you to be the lucky one to tell him. Congratulations, Captain Doty! You have just been given your first command in your new life."

If looks could kill, he would have been dead.

But they didn't.

So I went to do what might be the worst thing in my life.

Knowing that this time I would lose Hal for good.

*~*~*~*

When he came in I could see the fight in his eyes. The readiness to take on anything and anyone.

He faltered only slightly in his steps when he saw me. And for a moment he actually looked hurt.

But the moment passed much quicker than any other before had. It was as if a door had closed for the last time. Shut and closed and locked. Thrown away the key.

"Where's Cassidy?" He asked angrily.

"I'm holding down the fort."

"Did you know about this? Huh, did you?!"

I wished I didn't...know about this...do this...be here. So many "didn't"'s that I would have liked to choose from. Yet I didn't have the choice for any of them.

"It was a classified information..."

"You sold me out!" The hurt was now completely gone out of his voice. Only anger was left behind. Deep hateful anger. He knew that I sold him for a price. Only it wasn't the price that he thought I had sold him for.

"I had orders! I didn't have a choice." I knew that he heard as much as I did that my heart wasn't truly in that defense. And how could it be?

If only the part where I had no choice was true.

"Well, thanks for being such a pal, Dick."

I had known that he would fight me.

He wouldn't be Hal if he just accepted this.

But I hadn't thought how far he would go. Just as I saw the glint in his eyes I knew that it would be dangerously far. I had to stop him, tell him that his choices were as limited as mine. Before they change their minds and decided to kill him after all.

"Sign the letter, Hal, and make this easy. Pack your things. Take the honorable discharge."

Please. Don't fight them. They will win. They always do. They already have my soul. Don't let them have my heart as well. Let me live through all this that at least I did it for a reason. And that the reason was that you are out there safe.

Hating me.

Cursing the day I was born.

But at least safe.

"You will have to drag me off this base."

My last resort.

"You always were a punk, Carver. Why couldn't you be a lazy, self-centered, son of a bitch this time? "

That was finally what did it. So my face told me as his fist connected with it.

He definitely hadn't pulled the punch.

"A lot of people are very, very, upset. They wanted to get rid of you, but I convinced them to treat you like one of us. Sign the resignation, Hal, or they're gonna change their minds and take it one step further."

I saw him shuffle through the pictures on my desk. Without another word he signed the papers in front of him.

As he looked back at me, I had never seen so much hatred.

It hurt to know that I deserved each and every bit of it.

"I hope you enjoy your white picket fences, Richie...'cause you sure as hell earned it."

Yes. I guess I truly earned what I was getting now.

And as I watched him walk through the door the Captain Richie Doty died.

And Colonel Richard Doty was born.

Close to each other only by face and name.

*~*~*~*

The years passed by and I walked my way through life.

Gaining their respect and trust.

But they never gaining mine.

I didn't have friends.

Didn't want to risk it.

And in the end I did marry.

A major's daughter.

I had my white picket fence.

But like the marriage it was only part of the show.

We might not hate each other. Actually spent some good times together.

But neither of us ever loved the other.

When I heard about the reunion meeting of the old crew, I just had to go and see him.

Especially after hearing how little time he had left.

*~*~*~*

I watched them, him and the boy, come back from their little trip.

Talking animatedly with each other. I didn't know what had happened, but something between them had changed. The boy was no longer glaring at Hal but rather smiling at him. And Hal was laughing openly. As he slung his hand across the boy's shoulders.

Looked like some bonding between them had been going on.

Neither of them saw me as I watched them go closer to the house. Only stopping for a second as another boy drove up to them in a jeep.

He stepped up to hug the boy with Hal. And proceeded to greet Hal by extending his hand.

Something that Hal only after a certain amount of staring took.

I saw him turn his head and the boy nodded.

Then all three went into Hal's room.

I just sat down on the bench, not sure what to do next.

*~*~*~*

But when time passed and none of them came out. I started to get suspicious.

Casually walking forward to the window, I tried to catch a glimpse inside.

What I saw let my blood freeze in my veins.

One of the boys stood at the foot of the bed while the other held a glowing hand over Hal.

It was the same light as it had been back then in the truck. Had they come back for him?

And for the second time in my life I just reacted as I rushed forward and slammed the door open.

Only thinking that I had to keep them away from him and whatever they were doing to him.

I thought that Hal would at least be happy to be saved.

Well he wasn't. He only glared at me. And so did the boy standing.

The one sitting at Hal's bedside was only blinking at me in confusion.

"Richard Doty. Never thought that you would come here."

The moment he spoke my name I felt a burning gaze rest on me. A look almost a hateful as Hal's had been.

I can only imagine what Hal had told the boy. And I don't think he had told him lies. I guess reality was enough to make such disgust appear.

"He is?"

"Yes Michael...he is. Maybe you should leave us alone."

Michael gave me another look but then without a word went to the boy still sitting at the bed. Touching his arm gently as he helped him up. I watched them as they walked outside and closed the door behind them.

I smiled as I thought how much the fire in the younger man's...Michael's...eyes had reminded me of a younger Hal.

But now it was the older Hal that I had to deal with.

"If you have at least one good bone in you body left you will not tell anybody about what you have seen right here, Nothing."

He paused and waited for my answer.

I nodded "I won't." Even when I still didn't know what exactly it was that I had seen.

"Well, if nothing else, at least your word is the only thing that I can believe."

"Hal I am..."

"I swear to you...if you say you are sorry I will kick your butt from here to Canada."

It was what I had wanted to say. So now I didn't know what else to say.

He spoke on, mumbling as if talking to himself.

"You are still the same, aren't you, Richie? And to think that I actually was in love with you back then. "

I felt my feet give away as I sank to the floor.

The laughter that came from my lips must have sounded strange, and I assume not very sane. Especially with the tears that at the same time ran down my face.

There were no words for what was chasing through my mind. And the only thing I could whisper was. "I didn't know. My god I didn't know."

He looked down at me.

"Don't tell me you would have done anything different if you had known. Anything different from the way you did it?"

I shook my head as I drove my hands over my face.

"No, I wouldn't." It was almost inaudible. But Hal still heard it.

He snorted as he looked down at me in undistinguished anger and disgust.

"That's what I thought"

"No you don't see." It took me some time to realize that I had spoken the words aloud. And then there was no stopping as I continued. "I did all this to protect you. So that you wouldn't be harmed or worse...killed. I wouldn't change anything because what I did...what I did was because I loved you".

There were no words spoken after that, as Hal simply looked at me in disbelief.

And I did my best to avoid his eyes. Even after his declaration afraid of what I would see there.

Instead I looked out of the window. Watching the two boys sitting on a bench not far away. Michael, Hal's friend, laying a hand on his friend's arm.

Causing the other a tired smile.

I didn't need to hear their voices to know what passed between them. Michael's other hand was raised and was now tenderly touching the other boy's cheek.

They didn't kiss. But there was no mistaking what they were to each other.

And it pained me to look at them and know that this actually could have been us.

When I turned around to finally face him I saw that he already had been looking at me.

Waiting for my reaction, for me to make the first step.

I just stood, not really sure what he expected from me.

What I was supposed to say do.

Afraid it would be the wrong thing.

I had already said and done the wrong things all my life. Why should it be any different now?

Because now I had something that I never had before. The knowledge of a chance.

I smiled at him and after a surprised look he actually smiled back. It wasn't a happy smile. Rather a sad one.

Too much time had passed.

Senseless time.

He moved over on the bed to indicate for me to sit down. Which I did.

Then I wracked my brain for what I could say to him. Anything with less danger then "Why did you never tell me?" and more sense than "Nice weather."

And then, just as I was starting to think the first thing out of my mouth was the best thing to say, he started to laugh.

"We are a bunch of fools, aren't we?"

I laughed too...because he definitely was right. And it was comforting, as so many things had changed over the years.

But some things remained the same.

It felt nice knowing that Hal was among them. Still saying what he thought. Still honest in a way that very few people were.

"So what do we do now?"

"Don't know...start it slow? Go and meet. Dinner, Cinema?"

It just came to my mind. Yet I guess he got it faster than I did when he started to laugh out loud.

"You mean we should date?"

I had to smile too at the thought. Imagining ourselves in this situation.

"I guess I am too old to date again. Not enough time left."

That was the thought that sobered me up quite quickly as I remembered the reason that I had come here in the first place.

To see him before it was too late.

But before he saw my face he continued with a smile "But I guess as I got a bit more time now we might as well do it."

I took a deep breath "I heard about...I mean, I know."

He actually looked carefree when he laughed "No, you don't."

"But you are dying. They told me you are."

"I was...but things have changed. I can't tell you why and how. But believe me when I tell you that I have more time left than I had before."

I didn't really believe him, but the way he looked somehow made me accept.

"I guess we better go to the meeting now before it is over," I looked over to him as he nodded and stood up.

"I'd say the same. There is just one thing that I need to do first."

He looked at me with a smile, then reached into his shirt pocket to take out his packet of cigarettes and threw them into the bin. And I smiled back. Because without another word I knew what he was trying to tell me.

Whether or not he was really better, as he had said, I still had to see for myself.

Whether or not it was true.

But when he looked at me I knew one thing. He had thrown them away out of reason. And the reason was that he finally again had something to live for.

And as I took the hand he offered me I knew...that finally...so had I.

The End


End file.
